In the last years, especially after my son was born, something in my motivation changed. I almost thought I had lost it.
I was always an extremely motivated person, I wanted “badly” to succeed in everything that I did. It felt existential. I was strongly driven from the fear of failure or loss. It gave me the energy to push my limits but also a considerable amount of stress. I could never rest, and had very little time to contemplate, rethink and maybe also change tracks.
I can’t argue that this survival energy is strong and sometimes beneficial. But sometimes exactly this intense energy is ruining what is supposed to be more exquisite, playful or tender. Some things just can’t be pushed.
Being a teenage dancer, I had repeating stress fractures due to working too much under the wrong conditions which ended my dancing career before it even started. Unfortunately, this only made even more afraid of failure and more success driven and I was willing to sacrifice a lot for not failing again. I continued operating in this way for quite some years, and to some extent in the end it also yielded results.
But now, as my life is today, I am just not that afraid anymore to fail and it doesn’t generate any energy in me. My priority and perception of life transformed, and for me it is not a survival matter unless it really involves illness, or danger to someone that is dear to me.
So from where can I draw my motivation? What moves me forward?
These days, I am much more focused on the essence of what I am doing, finding what interests me, what touches me. When I know that something that I will do will nourish my soul and my body, I am drawn to it, pulled. Going for it then is smooth, almost effortless. True, it seems much less dramatic and intense and it might be also slower. But it feels much more connected and attentive. It feels much more me.