Today is Valentine’s Day. Not sure if I like it too much and never really celebrated it. Now days it is all over social media and it seems like a huge consumerist conspiracy, misleading in the name of love. Anyhow, it touches sensitive nerves, especially when you are single. One is uncomfortably reminded of the true wish to love and be loved, share life with someone and maybe even have a family.
Well, I am not single for many years, and I was never single in Berlin, but I meet the pain of single woman in Berlin almost daily, in my work with clients. I find the scene of dating quite cold and confusing.
The reality of dating and mating has changed so much and is still changing. Online dating and the consumption culture embedded the illusion that there is always someone better around the corner or at the next right swipe. Everyone wants to maximize their options, feeling that they always deserve better. It makes it very hard to choose and put an end to the search. Added to that is the fact that we are looking endlessly to be MORE happy and MORE fulfilled. Following these ever-changing emotions makes it even harder to commit.
Contradictory Influences and Expectations
Most of us grew up a cultural background that valued families and was holding the romantic idea of uniting with your soul mate for ever and ever, sometimes giving the woman the role of the damsel in distress. But there were also opposite voices urging us to rebel against this exactly; to be successful, adventurous and stand for your own. It would look extremely uncool and prudent to be “looking for a husband”, to ask for commitment at a young age or appear too serious. Weddings were out of fashion and time seemed unimportant. We were drawn in different directions, inspired and influenced by contradicting ideas and eventually many of us find themselves single.
But yet again, most women (maybe also affected from our biology?) have the aspiration to have a sole partner or a family of their own. But in the reality that is created, it can be a confusing and not so simple to predict what the person in front of you wants and find a partner that you simply match each other.
“It’s not you…”
Almost all the single women coming to me, think and deeply feel that something is wrong with them, that they are not good enough for this or that guy. The expectations they have for themselves and what potential partners expect from them are fantasy based. It is almost as if one needs to be Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” and in “Erin Brokovich” at the same time in order to have someone to commit to her. But you know what I think? Julia Roberts, aged 34, in Berlin now days, would stay single…
A commitment is a choice. It is not something that happens to you when you meet the “right one”. And for this, one has to be ready and want to commit, to want to be happy with one person and go deeper while knowing that no one is perfect. And not everyone really wants that.
It is so easy to lose your self-confidence experiencing just another disappointment or blame yourself for all the mistakes you’ve made. But the truth is that it is not only you facing that reality and it is not always your fault or maybe mostly not.
The only thing you can trust in these confusing times is what you want and your own values. They will set for you the path to follow and act upon. The more connected you are to yourself, the more self-assured, you will stop situations that don’t fill you up with energy and confidence earlier and create the situations that will bring you further to find a matching partner. It is not easy to find someone that truly wants a relationship in a sincere and grown-up way, but he is the only one that is worth your time and love.
If you are facing a challenging moment or a life decision and you want reconnect with your personal strength and resources to deal with it better, you are welcome to Contact me for an Introduction Meeting.
I will be more than interested to hear your thought and comments. You are welcome to post them below.